i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
