Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
