You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
