I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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