She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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