Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
