My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
