i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
