Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
