My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
