How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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