I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
