Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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