i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
