3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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