I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
