It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
