I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she looked like the before picture.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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