my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
