She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
