Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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