I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
