i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
