Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
