She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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