I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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