So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
