Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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