Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
bring money and cleavage
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
