so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
