you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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