I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
