YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
