i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
