You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I have fence marks all over my body
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
