when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
