im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
this beer tastes like vomit already
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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