My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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