you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
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I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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