Sponge bath it is.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
