worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
