I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
