Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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