Even water is tasting like jack daniels
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
