even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
