I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
