i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
