sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think my moral compass just broke
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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