So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
