I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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