i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just want to make out with him forever
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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