i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
