Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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