omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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