remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
