Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
