i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
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You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
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i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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