God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
