We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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